It's been exactly six months since I've posted in this blog, and now is a good a time as any.
We're trying to get things together. We painted [most of] the attic, a light blue instead of the vomity dark yellow it was. (We're probably going to end up thinking that this blue is vomity, too, and then paint it all yellow.)
The search for a Nikon D200 has been cut a little short because of annoying issues such as having to pay taxes. And bills. I've really been thinking about taking out a credit card so I can get it and then pay it off, I'm just terrified of owing anyone anything.
I've been depressed for the past, I don't know, year, probably. There's really nothing I can do about it, or nothing I want to do about it. I let my living surroundings get abysmal because I do not have the will to pick myself up and do something about it. Or do something about anything that's critically wrong. It's totally disabling.
I am searching for a public school job, because I don't have health insurance and I need it. Maybe if I had it, I wouldn't feel so horrible about wanting to make an appointment with a therapist. Or maybe it wouldn't matter and I would still feel terrible about it.
Speaking of terrible things, I'm trying to make another huge part of my life not so terrible - my body image. We're both trying to do the whole exercise and diet thing together, and I've lost 15 pounds, but I'm at a standstill and it's seriously making me want to just eat cake and say fuck it. That would be the worst thing I could possibly do, but it's my instinctive pull. I'm just built wrong, I think.
I just turned 24. I'm looking for wrinkles and gray hair. I just had a great birthday, great visits to friends, but today, I feel like everything is crumbling. There is a mix-up with my NAME at the NJ Board of Ed, and I can't get my certification because 500 pounds of bureaucracy has to surface before I can prevail in any area of my life, apparently. I just feel like I don't have anything to look forward to, and I know that's ridiculous.
We've decided to go to Russia. We're going next summer, and we're going to stay with my uncle. My grandfather just died a few months ago, so he's alone. He seems all right - I think he might even be relieved a little, simply because he had to take care of my grandfather for so long. But in any case, we're staying with him, and I'm hoping we can be there for about a month or so. We're planning on visiting mostly everything - my birthplace, my parents' college, the things that are in my memories - and some other spots like Helsinki, Finland, which is only about 3-4 hours from St. Petersburg, which is where we'll be living. Hopefully everything will work out and we'll be able to go.
So, today is probably not a very good day for an update since I feel like a huge lump of crap. I think I will feel better once I've taught my classes tonight - I always do. I'm always so excited when I don't have to work, but when I don't, I get very depressed and antsy. It's like everything else in my life - if it's not one bad, it's another.
Oh well.
We're trying to get things together. We painted [most of] the attic, a light blue instead of the vomity dark yellow it was. (We're probably going to end up thinking that this blue is vomity, too, and then paint it all yellow.)
The search for a Nikon D200 has been cut a little short because of annoying issues such as having to pay taxes. And bills. I've really been thinking about taking out a credit card so I can get it and then pay it off, I'm just terrified of owing anyone anything.
I've been depressed for the past, I don't know, year, probably. There's really nothing I can do about it, or nothing I want to do about it. I let my living surroundings get abysmal because I do not have the will to pick myself up and do something about it. Or do something about anything that's critically wrong. It's totally disabling.
I am searching for a public school job, because I don't have health insurance and I need it. Maybe if I had it, I wouldn't feel so horrible about wanting to make an appointment with a therapist. Or maybe it wouldn't matter and I would still feel terrible about it.
Speaking of terrible things, I'm trying to make another huge part of my life not so terrible - my body image. We're both trying to do the whole exercise and diet thing together, and I've lost 15 pounds, but I'm at a standstill and it's seriously making me want to just eat cake and say fuck it. That would be the worst thing I could possibly do, but it's my instinctive pull. I'm just built wrong, I think.
I just turned 24. I'm looking for wrinkles and gray hair. I just had a great birthday, great visits to friends, but today, I feel like everything is crumbling. There is a mix-up with my NAME at the NJ Board of Ed, and I can't get my certification because 500 pounds of bureaucracy has to surface before I can prevail in any area of my life, apparently. I just feel like I don't have anything to look forward to, and I know that's ridiculous.
We've decided to go to Russia. We're going next summer, and we're going to stay with my uncle. My grandfather just died a few months ago, so he's alone. He seems all right - I think he might even be relieved a little, simply because he had to take care of my grandfather for so long. But in any case, we're staying with him, and I'm hoping we can be there for about a month or so. We're planning on visiting mostly everything - my birthplace, my parents' college, the things that are in my memories - and some other spots like Helsinki, Finland, which is only about 3-4 hours from St. Petersburg, which is where we'll be living. Hopefully everything will work out and we'll be able to go.
So, today is probably not a very good day for an update since I feel like a huge lump of crap. I think I will feel better once I've taught my classes tonight - I always do. I'm always so excited when I don't have to work, but when I don't, I get very depressed and antsy. It's like everything else in my life - if it's not one bad, it's another.
Oh well.
Labels: life update
posted by Julie at 18:33
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